Please don't use social media to get back at me.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Floor bacon is actually really good
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
