i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
