im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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