Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
