and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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