oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
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