i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
