Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
