you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
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