He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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