It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
