oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
