Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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