You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Randomize
