my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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