i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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