Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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