Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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