The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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