If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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