how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
