So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Ladies don't puke and tell
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
