My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
