There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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