you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
