you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
