you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I need a beard to bite.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
