just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
