Screwed.edu
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
