his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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