He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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