Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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