I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
