I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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