I wish I could punch you in the face.
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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