barbara walters just said penis...
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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