new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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