and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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