u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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