just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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