Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
