Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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