i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
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