...so i touched it.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
