She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
porn star boner night. come get it.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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