operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
