I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
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