Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
