i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize