Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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