you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
