The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
